Monday, February 21, 2011

Just for Laughs (8): Say WHAT?

*Answers to First Crusader Challenge at bottom of post*

Excuse Letters
Letters from parents to teachers, excusing their children from school.

• "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
• "Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
• "Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
• "Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating."
• "Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
• "John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face."
• "Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part."
• "Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins."
• "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
• "Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
• "Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak."
• "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
• "Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
• "Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
• "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
• "My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines."
• "Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well."
• "Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
• "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
• "Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor."
• "Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."

Patient Charts
Doctors' remarks on patient charts.

• "Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
• "On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely."
• "The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993."
• "Discharge status: Alive but without permission."
• "Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful."
• "The patient refused an autopsy."
• "The patient has no past history of suicides."
• "Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital."
• "Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."
• "Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."
• "Patient was alert and unresponsive."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead."
• "Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities."
• "Skin: Somewhat pale but present."
• "Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen, and I agree."
• "By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing."
• "The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."
• "The patient expired on the floor uneventfully."

Smile, it's Monday :-)

~ ~ ~

First Crusader Challenge: Answers

  1. Wearing some form of shoe 99% of the time = INTERESTING QUIRK
  2. The bloviating friend I'm embarrassed of = SECRET
  3. Correcting people's pronunciation = ANNOYING HABIT
  4. Seeing things from someone else's point of view = BEST TRAIT
  5. Holidaying at the mountain resort = FAVOURITE THING
  6. Carrying a notebook everywhere to write in = LIE

The majority vote for 1 to 5 had it right :-) But people couldn't agree on what 6 was!
Thanks for voting!


Melissa said...

Best.Post.Ever! Thanks for the laughs!

Lisa Nowak said...

Those are hilarious.

D. U. Okonkwo said...

Hlarious - what people will do huh? :o)

Michael Offutt said...

I could modify some of these and make them for work.

Marieke said...

I think I just choked.

That's both hilarious and incredibly disturbing XD

projectfraeya said...

I can't breath for laughing XD
Thanks for that.

JEFritz said...

This was hilarious! Great post!

Rachel Morgan said...

Glad you've all been smiling this happy Monday

:-) :-) :-)

Colene Murphy said...

Ahaha! OMG. I couldn't breath I was trying to hard not to laugh loudly.

Kari Marie said...

I'm still crying. Some of these are so funny.

Nas Dean said...

All very hilarious answers!

The Survival Mama said...

Good stuff!!

fellow crusader, Following you back, thanks for swinging by my blog.
The Survival Mama

Lynda Young said...

you DON'T carry a notebook everywhere to write in? O_o

Gasp! ;)

Lou said...

I am SO trying the Sunday papers excuse. Priceless!

Ellie said...

Hilarious! I might try a few of those excuses at work. LOL.

Gina Blechman said...

I laughed so hard that I had to explain to my roommate what I was reading. Thanks for that! I feel like I should be concerned for humanity now...

<3 Gina (fellow crusader)

Julie Hedlund said...

Thank you for making me laugh today, and for letting me know I'm not the only one that fails to carry a notebook with me everywhere!